Everything in life is an opportunity to do something f*$&*%g (fucking) awesome! That includes online dating. What’s that? You’re too cool for online dating? Sweet as Jobin (idiot), more crumpet (single ladies) for me!
My last girlfriend was a clubbanging-supermodel-supercool-superdowntoearth-megababe and she was on Tinder, and she isn’t the only one, so I don’t know why the hell I wouldn’t be - unless I was a Jobin. As far as I’m concerned I want to be casting my fishing net into a big ocean of sexy mermaids, not in to some kids paddling pool, and not just because that sounds paedophilic, just because if you do the math… Actually cuss the math, Jobin can do the math, you've got better things to be doing like making your Tinder profile baddass like mine! Because life’s too short not to seize every single lady, single ladyman, single lady who’s not single who should be single so she can not be single with you opportunity.
Don’t get me wrong, get me right, I’m into this to meet the “one” or just a one, or maybe a two… who’s down to mac like Fleetwood Mac (aka everywhere), who will shout me a coffee not shout at me, someone to go sneaking into hotel spa pools with late at night and who only likes to eat half her lunch so I get extra but we still split the bill. But I’m also, nearly equally, interested in just meeting cool cats, dogs, dudes, Bill Murray and throwing my shit into the cosmos. Shit with meaning! Shit that I’m cussing scared of throwing out there, like this, my first ever blog post that I’m balls-to-the-walling at 2am in the morning listening to Hero by Family of the Year drinking Bell tea!
Remember life’s a short cussing cliché. Robin Williams was a dude and reminder. Take a lame word play lesson from him and don’t be a doubt-fire be a do-fire! Fire at every target that comes your way and even those sitting decoy ducks. Because life, like a freshly baked brownie after a two hour run, is not hanging around for long and tastes better after exercise.
Start by questioning why you do everything you are doing and why the cuss aren’t you doing everything you could possibly doing? Who are you trying to impress? Start by impressing yourself. Be your own hero. To be inspiring you must be inspired. To get more action you need to make more action. And you don’t need Tinder but it might just help.
The ironic thing is, unless you’re Alanis Morissette and want to misconstrue the meaning of irony, that this epiphany of action came to me by doing nothing, by sitting on the floor like a monk with a monkey mind. Meditating, yoga and just breathing are the dopest things anyone can do to free their mind, which controls your body and your thoughts and everything in the cussing world. So you should probably give it a go. And if you’ve got any common sense you will realise Yoga is loaded with beautiful girls in lyrca all of the time, nearly every time, everywhere! So you’d be a fool not to do some checking out while checking it out.
And the funny thing, that isn’t funny at all, is changing my diet started my path towards meditation and teaching Yoga - food for thought quite literally. I was working in advertising (which is not inherently bad) killing kids with happy meals and telling the world to drink milk from the cows tit like it was a teenager on Kate Upton’s, and not questioning a single cussing word of it. It was mental! And not just because I was living, breathing and slowly dying consuming my marketing barkiting (yea I made that word up) everyday and night, but because I didn’t question why I was doing it, why I felt rubbish after eating it, making it, selling it. And why half the world’s dying and depressed and i’m Instagraming photos of me with a creepy dude dressed as Ronald McDonald.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing now either but I know death is always knocking on the door and I’m never advertising shit again, unless it’s organic manure for compost, and that spending sometime making my Tinder profile dope and sitting on the floor for 20minutes each morning and night might just inspire me to inspire myself to inspire you to do the same too.
* Tinder didn’t pay me to write this but if they want to that would be “money!”
* I apologise if your name is Jobin, unless you are a “Jobin”
* I apologise for using the word fucking twice. I don’t often swear but fuck it, sometimes I do.
* If you want to try some meditation or yoga or smoothie some plants I’m happy to help you out.
* If you’ve picked up any typos/grammatical errors I’ll happily accept corrections and high fives.
* If you’re a single lady and want a date I’ll happily join you for a chat over a coffee/greensmoothie/redwine (every opportunity Jobin! Every Mother Teresa (wholehearted) opportunity!)
* Last but not least, check out RichRoll.com and his Podcast - he is the Don Draper of selling life changing ideas and plant powered goods which are the goods!
Get @ me with love @
Tinder: you will need to swipe right and be in 160k radius of New Plymouth, Auckland in a few weeks and Nice, France in October and be between the age of 25-30, who I’m kidding 20-40, cast that net wide baby!