I often get asked, “Doug, do I have any spinach in my teeth?” People also ask me, “Doug how do I win at yoga?”

First you must understand that yoga, like camel racing and nightclubbing, is an ultracompetitive animalistic pursuit with plenty of humps and bumps and weird people doing weird things on a floor.

Luckily for you I have put together a comprehensive list full of buzz words to ensure you can climb to the top of the yoga pyramid scheme where you can then scheme with the yoga gods on how you can be Pash-on-the-mouth-anasana with that girl/guy in the leopard print, meow! I mean woof!

To begin, think of your yoga mat as a mini rubberised cat/cow-walk. It’s all about posing, like everything you do in yoga is a pose right? duh!

One essential item to be a pro poser is Stephen Hawking bright tights! Shit with colours and patterns so crazy that even Dr Zeus’ dry cleaning lady had a seizure last time she washed them.  

Once you’ve got your loco-lycra find equally crazy coloured Nike Frees, even if you can’t afford them, “stretch” the credit limit, because running away from your financial problems is a yoga mandate.

Thirdly, get yourself a Lulu-mango/pineapple/tomato mat to throw over your shoulder. Even if you don't need one or you don’t practise you must still have a mat on you at all times to let people know that you’re better than them. 

Once you’re prepped to pose like a peacock, you need to find a space in the class to flaunt and look gaunt. Do everything in your illegal power to get right up the front so that you can look righteous and be fronting and flaunting your ass in other yogis faces like the great ass-ana spiritual selfie teacher K.Kardashian.

Before the instructor begins the class do some flowery pro posing preparation ritualistic shit that makes you look like the other students are just dipping their toes in the baby balasana pool and you’re already flip flopping off the top ashram diving board into a lotus hand stand no hands supine “man I’m fine” twist - this will get you straight 10’s from all the yoga judges.

Note: Often yoga starts with the sound of “OMG, so nice to see you!” and an “OMM”. During the OMM part make sure you make your OMMMMMM longer than everyone else’s.  Remembering that unlike sex, you want to be starting last and finishing last.

During the practise always look to the person next to you, see what they’re doing then outdo them, go lower, go higher, go Back To The Future McFlyer! Just kick their ass - quite literally if you can in poses like scorpion. Even if your back is real sore and your knees fucked and you don’t know what foot should be in your mouth, just make sure you look better than them. This is a guaranteed way to impress the Yoga Gods and give you immortality and discounted Physiotherapy for the next two months.

At all other times bring the awareness outwards by checking out your pro poses in the mirror and identifying with the illusion of people imagining that because you are so awesome at yoga that you must be awesome at everything else in life, “Wow, that girl’s got her heels on the floor, she must do voluntary work and make her own kombucha!”

If you fall out of a posture like corpse pose you're an idiot. If you fall out of any other posture just decide to be a pussy and give up, fake an injury! This is a non negotiable! Always fake it and shake it (“it” being some part of your body). Roll side to side, readjust your clothing, do what ever it takes to distract people and draw all attention to yourself and then take "act like a child pose". 

When the instructor says a pose in sanskirt, like “vira-wear-a-bra-you’re-shit-and-you’re-not-listnening-to-me-getouta-myclass-asana,” and you don’t know what they’re saying and go in to the wrong pose, just look around like “ohh, right I thought we were doing Geta-real-job-and-stop-purving-at-my-ass-asana” and flick your hair with distain as you do it.

Sometimes other students will try to sabotage your perfect posing practise and give you some friendly advice. A great way to diffuse such a situation is to tell them to take cow face pose, because they’ve got a face like one.

Most yoga classes will end with Sivasana. This is an opportunity to live in the past or future, and to make sure the mind is continually active thinking of ways you can get back at all the people who have caused your misery, because in yoga your happiness is dependent on external circumstances and chocolate.

Once class has been dismissed, know that yoga is a life long practice of posing and that the next pose is for you to go grab gluten-free-paleo-soy-coconut oil-extra-latte in an SUV size takeaway cup. Making sure you get it from that café where they takes photos of celebrities eating roar food, and you still pretend you’re not confused as to why food would roar? It’s not vegan lion meat after all, or is it?

Finally, when you get home and one of your flatmates, one of several cats, one of last night’s “dishes,” asks you how your yoga class was, you can say confidently, “It was fricken fantastic! I won Yoga again! Hashtag “YOLO YOGO.”